Here we go. I used to blog a little bit on MySpace but stopped using that and Facebook 'Notes' counts as a simple blog but I wanted something independent from my other social networking sites. I thought about blogging if I moved back to California but living on the west coast is a distant thought, something that may never come to fruition and that's okay. So where do we begin? My life has been so unpredictable since I moved back home to Virginia in August of 2009. For several months, I was so angry and so frustrated at my failures. I moved to California hoping to start over new there but I made a lot of the same old mistakes which resulted in me not going to the colleges I had worked so hard to go to. Living there was a changing experience, one that really opened my eyes to a different world. I have many regrets there but I learned from my decisions. Just over one year ago at this time, things changed. I found a reason to genuinely be happy again. Actually, I was happier than I have ever been in my life, by far.
Most of 2010 was amazing for me. Life was very steady, maybe too steady and I took it for granted. When you invest everything you have into something and lose it, in a sense, you lose yourself. That is where I am right now, lost. Sometimes we need to be broken before we can be built higher than before, sometimes we are already broken and we need to be completely shattered and then have each of those tiny pieces obliterated until they are no longer a solid. Then and only then can we build ourselves to be virtually unshakable. This is the second time I have been re-inventing myself. There are times when we have to lose every single thing we ever valued in order to see the real value of life. It's not about our possessions but rather the people close to us.
I have been known to be a very sentimental person. I used to keep so many things that I have gotten rid of, for example:
-Legos
-High school parking pass
-Starbucks training manual (my first job)
-3 pairs of shoes from senior year
-Elementary school safety patrol badge
-Old comic books
...The list goes on and on. These are things that either reminded me of good times or something somebody worth remembering gave to me. I have been going through my closet and cabinets to purge many of the things I held value in; sentimental possessions. Every thing is tied to an individual memory or multiple memories; Other things are also tied to an emotion. This has been a good experience for me, something that I should have done sooner but I guess this was the right time. In a way, I feel like I am losing pieces of myself but they are small pieces in order to gain larger ones. I am very ready to let go of past things that are now trivial. I am ready to be an adult. Though I hope some kiddish things in me don't change, I do hope to take life more seriously. I want to move on in the right ways but I also do not want to forget the road I have been on.
For people, you hit a point in your life where you lose your faith and hope in a lot of things. When I was living in California, I had such an emotional distance from my family and friends so I gave up on them. I remember how alone I felt in that time. When you are in a place where you don't know a single person and everything you want or need is so difficult to get, it can be really trying. I think that was the first time I really really turned to Islam for guidance. I changed a lot about myself to become closer to Islam and I found that I was starting to find an inner peace. I felt a real connection with God. Like, when I spoke or thought something, it's as if I was speaking directly to Him. Having that feeling can be quite powerful as you can never feel alone when the Creator of the universe and all things in existence feels like he's right next to you. How can you not have hope when you feel that? The problems arose when life on the west coast got so difficult that I absolutely had to move back home. I don't know what happened but all of that anger pushed me away from Islam. I put my faith as a secondary priority. I focused on something that was very important but shouldn't have been my primary focus. When you feel like you have lost everything, there are two paths you can take, either be constructive and work on strengthening yourself or be destructive, physically and spiritually; I am trying to choose the first path. I turn to Allah (swt) in my best of times, I turn to Him in my worst of times. I don't know how to end this post so I leave with this, never give up. Never ever ever quit fighting for what you want in this life. If you want something out of the best intentions, ask for assistant in acquiring said thing. Do not give up hope.
Peace. Love. Hope. Strength.
Song playing (in my head)
Patrick Park - Life is a Song
Most of 2010 was amazing for me. Life was very steady, maybe too steady and I took it for granted. When you invest everything you have into something and lose it, in a sense, you lose yourself. That is where I am right now, lost. Sometimes we need to be broken before we can be built higher than before, sometimes we are already broken and we need to be completely shattered and then have each of those tiny pieces obliterated until they are no longer a solid. Then and only then can we build ourselves to be virtually unshakable. This is the second time I have been re-inventing myself. There are times when we have to lose every single thing we ever valued in order to see the real value of life. It's not about our possessions but rather the people close to us.
I have been known to be a very sentimental person. I used to keep so many things that I have gotten rid of, for example:
-Legos
-High school parking pass
-Starbucks training manual (my first job)
-3 pairs of shoes from senior year
-Elementary school safety patrol badge
-Old comic books
...The list goes on and on. These are things that either reminded me of good times or something somebody worth remembering gave to me. I have been going through my closet and cabinets to purge many of the things I held value in; sentimental possessions. Every thing is tied to an individual memory or multiple memories; Other things are also tied to an emotion. This has been a good experience for me, something that I should have done sooner but I guess this was the right time. In a way, I feel like I am losing pieces of myself but they are small pieces in order to gain larger ones. I am very ready to let go of past things that are now trivial. I am ready to be an adult. Though I hope some kiddish things in me don't change, I do hope to take life more seriously. I want to move on in the right ways but I also do not want to forget the road I have been on.
For people, you hit a point in your life where you lose your faith and hope in a lot of things. When I was living in California, I had such an emotional distance from my family and friends so I gave up on them. I remember how alone I felt in that time. When you are in a place where you don't know a single person and everything you want or need is so difficult to get, it can be really trying. I think that was the first time I really really turned to Islam for guidance. I changed a lot about myself to become closer to Islam and I found that I was starting to find an inner peace. I felt a real connection with God. Like, when I spoke or thought something, it's as if I was speaking directly to Him. Having that feeling can be quite powerful as you can never feel alone when the Creator of the universe and all things in existence feels like he's right next to you. How can you not have hope when you feel that? The problems arose when life on the west coast got so difficult that I absolutely had to move back home. I don't know what happened but all of that anger pushed me away from Islam. I put my faith as a secondary priority. I focused on something that was very important but shouldn't have been my primary focus. When you feel like you have lost everything, there are two paths you can take, either be constructive and work on strengthening yourself or be destructive, physically and spiritually; I am trying to choose the first path. I turn to Allah (swt) in my best of times, I turn to Him in my worst of times. I don't know how to end this post so I leave with this, never give up. Never ever ever quit fighting for what you want in this life. If you want something out of the best intentions, ask for assistant in acquiring said thing. Do not give up hope.
Peace. Love. Hope. Strength.
Song playing (in my head)
Patrick Park - Life is a Song
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